Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.

Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.

Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.

If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.

What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.

How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.

Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.

I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.

"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.

“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”

– John Ruskin

What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.

What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.

Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!

"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw

How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,

How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it

What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.

What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.

Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.

What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier

If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.

You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.

Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM

I'm fondue you, it's true

It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.

What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!

“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”

- George Carlin.

Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.

Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.

"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".

Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.

I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.

I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.

Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.

“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”

When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.