Trowel and error.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Leaf me alone.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
A round of Santa-plause, please.