Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.