When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
The snuggle is real.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.