Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.