You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.

One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.

They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.

When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler

Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is

Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.

Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."

Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.

If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"

“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous

"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black

The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.

I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

What title did the car have in the Navy?

Rear window Admiral.

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.

What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.

My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.

“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift

Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.

What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice

It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).

What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.

Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.

How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!

what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.

You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.

“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”

How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage

The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.

What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.

Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?

What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.

The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.

A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.

I pitcher us together forever.

Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.

In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!

"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."

- Whitney Cummings.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.

You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.

What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!