I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
I’m soy
into you.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.