What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Variety is the ice of life.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
You are spud-tacular.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.