Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
You're the thought that counts!
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.