“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...