The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
"Adulting makes me wine."
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Every piece of you is sweet.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
"Say you'll be wine."
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.