What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.