John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th

I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.

How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.

What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."

"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"

Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.

"Glow Worm"

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!

– Taylor Russell

Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.

What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.

Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.

What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.

I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.

(Gelett Burgess)

What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.

Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.

What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.

What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.

“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds

A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”

Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.

"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous

What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!

It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.

Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.

Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!

Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.

If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.

Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.

If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.

What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.

Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege

The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.

Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.

Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.

“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz

“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown

Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.

Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.

What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.