Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!