What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
"Back that glass up."
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.