My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
Irish you luck.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
You're a good egg.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Better read than dead.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
I love you so fairy much.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
You are pitcher perfect.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive