What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
"I'm nuts about you."
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Want to become my new personal best?
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.