I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
Pugs and kisses.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What does a house wear?
Address.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo