When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
You make miso happy.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
I think we'd make a cute pear.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.