What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?