Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu

The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.

What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"

Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.

India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.

A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.

What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.

“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

You're just my cup of tea!

What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?

Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"

Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!

Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.

Sip, sip, horray!

A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.

What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.

My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.

Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.

I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.

What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.

“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”

What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.

I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin

I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them

Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!

What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!

“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous

What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”

Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.

Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.