"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.