How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.

Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.

It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill

"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"

- Sadhana Yoga

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."

- Amit Kalantri

I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.

What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.

Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss

Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.

Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...

How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes

What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.

What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.

It's a nice night for a white rice fight.

Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.

Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.

Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.

What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.

"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde

What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky

Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.

I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.

Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out

"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"

You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.

What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.

What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!

If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?

Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.

Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.

What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.

What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."

Peas excuse how bad this pun is.

What is a car’s favourite element?

Carbon.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.

I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.