“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I can turn your software into hardware.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
Rudder valve reversals
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.