What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.