Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
We have great chemis-tree.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."