What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Octopus ocular optics.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven