Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.

What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.

What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.

What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.

How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.

How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.

What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".

Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.

Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.

What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.

Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.

Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.

Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.

"Rosé all day."

What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.

I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!

What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.

“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”

How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!

I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!

“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln

What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.

Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.

It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.

Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.

Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.

Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.

“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger

Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.

What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren

Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone

Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.

When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.

There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.

A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!

“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card

If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.

At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.