What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
It’s worth a shot.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.