“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."