How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.