If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.