Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
One trick peony.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!