My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me