It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.