Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
How Rudolf you to say that!
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
I beg your garden?
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.