“The road to success is always under construction.”
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Having a ball
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.