A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
"You're a real good egg."
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?