“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
This is snow laughing matter!
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.