When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
That was thaw-some!
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."