Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I hope for world peas.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.