What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.