Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.