Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
I think I found my perfect match
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
The ocean made me salty.