Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
Live to tell the tail.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
The only thing hotter than today is you.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
I love you a tot!
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
My fridge is hotter than you.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.