Can I hold your hand?

"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti

How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!

Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.

In on the ground flora.

My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.

There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.

The highlight of the year for dear old Dad

Was Halloween when treats were to be had

His modus operandi

Son you collect the candy

Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.

How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.

My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.

The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.

“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown

I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.

What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."

How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.

Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!

Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.

What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!

"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman

What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.

Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?

What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.

If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.

Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini

What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.

“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai

What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!

There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!

I'm snow bored.

Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!

Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”

In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.

What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.

What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx

When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.

“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

I Tour de Francy you.

Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!

Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.

What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.

Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.