Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
Life is brew-tiful!
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!