Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
You knead me in your loaf.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.