How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
I would love to show you first class.
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.