What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Nothing really mattress.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Who’s your paddy?
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
"Having a good hare day."
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Funny meat-ing you here.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I'm the life of the paddy.