For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.

I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.

Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.

What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."

I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!

What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.

Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.

What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.

What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”

"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.

You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.

Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus

Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'

A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.

When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!

Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.

If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.

What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.

I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.

The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.

"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer

"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx

I can heartly wait to see you.

Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld

What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.

You are hot to the core, aren’t you?

“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”

- Alan Arkin.

Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.

The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!

Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.

How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.