Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.

What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!

What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.

What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.

Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!

I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.

Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom

“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”

Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.

If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car

Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.

Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.

What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.

What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.

I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.

What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!

Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.

I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.

There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.

I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.

During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.

Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.

Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.

Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.

What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."

Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.

Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.

When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds

I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic

Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.

What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.

Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.