The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff