What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.