What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.