Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
"Eggs love you."
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.