Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.

If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.

"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault

My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!

With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.

Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.

You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.

Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?

What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you

Your name must be Summer because you are hot.

A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.

“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan

“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous

Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing

Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:

What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!

People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.

What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.

Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.

What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao

I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.

Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.

I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.

What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.

What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.

If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.

Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.

Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!

What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree

Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.

BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!

Nothing really mattress.

Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.

What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.