What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.