What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
One more thyme.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
“Monday should be optional.”
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.