When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."