What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
Baby, you're a firework.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I wood never leaf you.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.