What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
"Bugs and hisses."
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
Say it ain’t snow.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.