What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.