A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
I love you so fairy much.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica