“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
I feel tail great!
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.