Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.