What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Baby, you're a firework.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
He’s an elf-made man.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle