How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.