What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Football is one habit I will never kick.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
Whatever floats your goat.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr