“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Something’s goat to give.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
"I lava you."
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
I Tour de Francy you.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.