I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Burst into cheers!
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I only have ice for you.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.