Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!

It’s snow joke.

Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.

Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.

I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex

Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.

How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.

My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.

What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.

I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack

“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!

Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.

Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”

"What an egg-citing day."

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.

What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.

Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.

My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.

I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.

Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.

Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.

Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.

“Monday again? Is it every week now?”

It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!

How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.

Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.

You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.

Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.

What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."

Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.

"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.

What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.

Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.

“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White

Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.

Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.

I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.