I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."