What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.

“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”

Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.

When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.

This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.

Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.

Want to see the real coming attraction?

Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.

Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?

I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.

The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.

Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.

What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.

What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.

Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D

Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.

Tropic like it's hot.

My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.

My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.

did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.

My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.

You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.

What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.

My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.

What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!