What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
You have one compact set.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.