Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.

Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.

Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.

Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!

How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.

What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”

I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.

Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”

It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?

Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.

What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.

Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.

Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.

We make a great pear

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown

"The Centipede"

I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.

– May Fenn

Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you

Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!

"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss

What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.

What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"

Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.

There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.

“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent

Your sweater must be made out of wife material.

Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.

Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.

You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.

What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.

"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"

What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.

Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.

Orange you excited for Halloween?

I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Free Wifi!

Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?

What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.

I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.

There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.

If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.

Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.

What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.

I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely