They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
"Just don't carrot all."
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!