"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!