What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
If trees could kill you, they wood.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
You shamrock my world.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"