Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
You’re Isaacly my type
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.