How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*