Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.