“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
I’m feelin’ pine.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Snow on and snow forth.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
I'm at my best during overtime.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
My love for you is like no otter.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
When are you due back in heaven?
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.