What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"No body won the skeleton race."
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.