Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Dublin’ the fun.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.