A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.

What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium

Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant

What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!

I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.

Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!

What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.

Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.

I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"

Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.

What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert

What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.

“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”

I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class

Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.

My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!

What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.

Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.

On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.

What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.

There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.

What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.

What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.

Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.

What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.

Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.

Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.

Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.

"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."

What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!

Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.

What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.

If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C

Time to spruce things up.

Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.

"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt