Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers