Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
To get to the other tide.
Join us for plenty of play action.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.