What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Fairies just wand to have fun.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.