How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Goat milk?
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Your treat or mine?
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
I call the shots.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.