"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
You’re my soul Santa.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.