Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Skiing is believing!
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.